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[personal profile] afterthree
Last weekend was not my best weekend ever. Fortunately for me I have awesome friends who were willing to deal with my uncharacteristic emotional valley in ways that were constructive and (more often, and for me just as helpful) distractive. It didn't help that the weather nearly the entire weekend was cool, damp and gloomy.

Being sad is extremely difficult for me to deal with in public, and I consider "anyone else in or near the room who might see, hear or notice" to qualify as "public". Tears in particular are notoriously tricky territory for me: in one way or another, for the vast majority of my childhood I was taught that crying was silly, that things were not worth crying over, and nearly every time I did cry I was told in matter-of-fact terms to stop. It is perhaps, then, not terribly surprising that as an adult tears (both mine and others', but mostly mine) embarrass me profoundly. When I do cry I do so almost exclusively in private; it's not unusual for me to cry in the shower where the sound and sensation is -- quite literally -- drowned out. I avoid looking in mirrors until all trace evidence in my face that tears even happened have disappeared. The most problematic part of all of this is nothing makes me cry quite so predictably as feeling embarrassed, and thus is created the inevitable circle of my personal hell: tears lead to embarrassment leads to tears leads to embarrassment leads to... You get the idea.

It's a difficult thing to admit sometimes I'm lonely and a little bit broken. I feel it disappoints people who expect better from me.

This is all a rambly and largely off-topic way of saying that I'm mostly okay and not heartbroken, just a little bit heartweary. This somewhat subtle but important difference was made significantly clearer on Tuesday evening when I saw SS at the Toastmasters social and it was surprisingly not awkward (at least not for me: I have no idea if it was for him). My saddness is more about a companionship hole in my life rather than missing anyone in particular, especially missing someone who honestly never did fill that role to begin with. I think we make very compatible friends -- and I hope we will remain so, because he's really very awesome and we have a great time -- but in the end I was always considering other options in the back of my head anyway. Something wasn't there, but I was too invested in the idea that it might be if I gave it enough time to notice.

In other non-related news, frisbee yesterday was fun. I hurt this morning, but not as much as I thought I would. I also managed to mostly keep up with the running which kinda shocked the hell out of me. No cramps, and while I did hang back occassionally and opt to play defense and guard our line rather than go hard constantly to help score, I didn't take an actual break at all in a game that spanned almost two hours. I choose to take this as a sign that I am more fit than I was last year, and that all the walking I'm doing since my life centralized around downtown is deserving of most of the credit.

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August 2010

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